you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
