I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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