apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Randomize
