***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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