so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
