OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
