why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
