I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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