i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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