She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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