Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?