My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
