I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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