One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
