Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
