I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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