lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
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It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad