The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online