Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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