My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
