Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
