....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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