i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
someone owes me an orgasm
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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