I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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