i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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