If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
