his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
