i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
