Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
