Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
