i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
