i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize