HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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