i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
