if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
