Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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