I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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