Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
