my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
