i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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