You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
