Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
