Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
