How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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