I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
