this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
