Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
