Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
