i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
