o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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