Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
