Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
