Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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