I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
