So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
