peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
