Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
