This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
