Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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