Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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