I accidentally burped into my bong.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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