My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
