By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
