I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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